Frequently Asked Questions.

1.  Can my daughter go to college?
2.  What college should I chose?
3.  How can I get my son's teachers to understand what dyslexia is? (Letter)
4.  How can I convince my teachers and my school system to help?  (Letter)
5.  How can I get my son to be a better self advocator?
6.  What can I do to help with my son with his low self-esteem?
7.  So what else is there in school besides Math and Spelling?
8.  What else (out side of school) will help my son or daughter succeed in life?

---

1.  Can my daughter go to college?

College was thousands of times easier than high school!!  There are many reasons but the most important are below.

• First, professors in college generally want you to succeed.  This is a huge mind shift from most grade schools and high schools.  I loved many of my high school teachers and with out them I would not be here, but most grade and high school teachers are on their own power trip, and simply refuse to yield to any outside request.  (I really don't understand why one would go into teaching and not want to help their students.  If your a teacher and can answer this, it would really help clear things up.)  Anyway,  most professors in college were really great.  They have no choice about weather or not they can allow accommodations.  They have to allow the accommodations recommended and requested by the college's office of disabled student services.  Talk about proactive!  I still come across a few instructors that make trouble for me.  I recently (in graduate school) had a statistic professor refuse to allow me to take untimed test.  After receiving a call from his department head and disabled student services he had to allow me my legal rights.  However, he announced to the class that "one of the students in the class was going to be allowed to take the test untimed.  They say it's not cheating, what do you think?"  There were 12 students in the class.  He said this the day before the exam so the students were looking for who was not in class the day of the exam.  I caught some of flack from a few fellow students but at least I could pass the class.  I received a very low C out of the class, but I passed.  Without the accommodation I simply would have never been able to pass the class.  [Math teachers are weird about "time".  For some reason they think a good measure of a student's ability to grasp the concepts taught is to limit the amount of time a student can spend on an exam.  Their thinking is "if a student could not finnish in the time required, then they must not have understood the concepts."  This is like requiring a hart surgeon to get in 10 hart surgeries a day regardless of the actual time required to perform the surgery.  I have not met a math teacher yet who would want to be the patient of a surgeon who was not allowed the necessary time to perform the surgery correctly.  That is all an untimed test is, "the necessary time to perform the test correctly."  When people argue that the other students should be able to take the test untimed I answer "Your right!!  They should!!"  The teacher should actually be testing his/her ability to convey information to their students and not their students ability to take a test!  Time is robing all students.]
• Second, I received the necessary accommodations.  Note takers, untimed exams, books on tape, etc...  Not only do people not fight you and try to keep you out of school, but the colleges and universities are actually interested in helping you!!  They want you to succeed!  Its hard to explain what a night/day difference it is between high school and college.
• Third, College students them selves are generally less like high school students.  They too are generally supportive and almost never demeaning.  It's easier to make friends who are true friends and do not care about your handicap.  [Yes, some high schools students are that way too.  But high school is generally too much like high school to allow people to be accepted as them selves.  As an example, I had one close friend and about 4 others I could talk to  in high school.  I college I had countless friends and knew most all 1,200 students by sight if not by name at my college.]
• Fourth, I had to bust my butt just to graduate at the bottom of my class in high school.  Most students coasted through high school without learning how to study.  So when they got to college they often struggled with course work simply because they had poor study skills.  This put me on more equal footing with my pears.

To put it more simply, college and the atmosphere that came with it, took away all (or most) of the artificial barriers of dyslexia.  In college I only struggled with Dyslexia.  I did not struggle with other people about my dyslexia.  When I read my story on the first page it makes me cry even now.  I cry for a lot of reasons but mostly because that little boy should not have had to struggle that hard.  He should not have been trod upon by the teachers and the system that was there to help him succeed.  College is exactly what grade school and high school should be!

Small!!! Small!!! Small!!!
    The first class I taught had 900+ students!  Talk about being a number!  I choose a college that had to have 3 very important criteria.

• First,  it had to be a small college.  Student simply get swallowed up at big universities.  Some of my closest friends were my biology professors.  To give you an example of the community that can exist at a small college:  I got a nickname in college 'Darb' (my name backwards).  Most of my friends called me darb and a few faculty/administrator types.  When I graduated and took my diploma from President Cain's hand, he said "Congratulations Darb!".  At a large university you will be lucky if your current professor can recognize your face let alone know your name.  So choose small!!
• Second, They had to have an outstanding LD department.  If the college you chose does not, DO NOT GO TO THAT COLLEGE!!!  Its that simple.  Either the college is willing to help its students or it is not.  You or your child is attending college with the hopes of succeeding.  That will require that the college is on your side. Even if you don't use the services of the LD department, just their presence on campus means that the faculty are more open to different styles of learning.  Grechen Loveit was the LD advisor at the time I visited Adrian College and it was clear when I met her that she care about the LD department, the college, and her students.  She was a good friend while I was at college.
• Finally, they have to have an outstanding department in the area you want to go into.  For me it was biology.  When I went to visit at Adrian College I asked to meet with the Biology professors as I wanted to be a biologist.  When I met Dr. Craig Weatherby I knew this was where I needed to be.  He was an enthusiastic professor who appeared to really care about the department and my decision for college (not his college but the right college for me).  He is still a good friend 10 years after I graduated.

So how did I make my final decision to go from Topeka Kansas to Adrian Michigan to attend college?  Adrian was hands down the best college I looked at.  They certainly may not be the best for you so don't go apply just because I had luck there.  Money is often a major factor in deciding where to send your child to college so your options may be limited.  If you live east of the Mississippi then you will likely have allot of excellent in-state choices.  If you live in the west (including California) your instate choices might be really limited.
More to come on this topic....

This is one of the biggest problems you will face.  Its not the dyslexia that students struggle with most, its the prejudiced of the teachers and administrators, though sometimes they just don't know what dyslexia is or how it is manifested in students.  Dyslexia is an interesting handicap because you can't see it.  The up side of that is no one has to know you have it.  The really big down side is that no one can see your handicap.  Know one will know you have it unless you tell them.  And weather or not you can get help (even from those who normally help us) depends on your ability to convince them that your not lazy, that you are not just a 'stupid' 'slow' student.  I have received several letters from parents and one teacher saying that my story really helped their teachers 'see' the real picture.  So you might try letting them see a copy of the story.  Here is a copy of a letter recently sent to me.  (I have receive a few like this but this is amazing.  I would like to point out how easy it was for these children to get the help the need.  All it took was someone to yes.  That is it!  No magic, just a yes.)  This really is one of the biggest stumbling stones you will have to tackle.  The worse part about it is that you will have to educate nearly every teacher that your child has.  It's a sad and very frustrating thing.  You might try having the previous teacher talk with the next teacher.  But again some teachers are really, really dead set against listening to anyone particularly teachers who teach lower level classes.  It should not be this way (most teachers are actually there to help students) but often it is.  :O(

You can win this!!!!  Don't quit!!  There are people in my life that I have been unable to convince.  I will probably never be able to convince them.  But if they have authority over me and my future then they must address the Law and if need be the public.  It is unfortunate that your biggest fight will come from teachers and not dyslexia.  The irony here is quite staggering.  It is like trying to convince fire fighters that "it's just a small kitchen grease fire" while they are sitting back at the station eating a donut saying "nope its out of control, your house is a total loss."  There are allot of different resources out there and many people who have been through the same situation.  So ask around, post a question on the message boards.  Read the other pages FAQ sections.  Talk with your State school administration your local colleges and universities.  All of these people have answers.  They may answer no but that really means 'I'm too set in my ways to change.  You will have to get a bigger stick to make me move.' So get a bigger stick or better candy.  Better yet find some one else to ask.

When you're talking to teachers/administrators, its easy to buy into their excuses and/or reasons.  But keep these two points in mind:

1.  Judgment from wisdom comes from taking stock of all the information at hand and arriving at a conclusion that is in the child's best interest.

2.  Judgment from prejudice comes from many things (the dinosaur syndrome, prejudice against handicapped people, laziness of the teacher and unfortunately a lack of resources for the teacher and the school district) but has one constant underlying point, 'the interest being served is not that of the student.'

In both of the above cases it is clear where the teachers and school districts are coming from.  I have often heard "We really want to help but there are just no resources."  The same schools have a budget for the football team.  Which means that the school system will have to explain to you, that your child will fail so that other students could play catch.

To make a long answer short, you will have to convince them that:

1.  Dyslexia is real.  (This is really the big stumbling stone.  I have not had found anyone who accept dyslexia but then just think I'm lying.)
2.  You child has dyslexia.
3.  Your child could succeed if they had accommodations.
4.  Accommodations are not cheating.  (This is the second stumbling stone.  People really did (and still do) think elevators were cheating.  The attorney general of Colorado refused to allow a wheel chair ramp to the front door of the state capital as she deemed it too ugly.  The ramp was to be attached to the back of the building to keep it out of sight.  There was a time in our recent past that blacks could only enter at the back of the store for the same reason.  When I see a wheel chair ramp to one of our public buildings I say "That is the America of our dreams!!  That is where we strive to go!  That is a place where I will be jugged on the content of my carter and not the ability of my legs!"  Even with wheel chair ramps we are a long way from being perfect.  So with an invisible handicap, don't be surprised that even the brightest teachers are a bit dim in this area.  You will need to constantly educate them.)

I have received several letters from parents saying that they copied my story and took it in to show their teachers and administrators.  The story appears to have opened eyes in many instances.  It my be a easy way to help you help you child or student.  It can be a big help if you are nervous or intimidated about the idea of approaching your child's teacher and school system (By the way, being nervous is normal, but remember they are there to help).  Here is a copy of a letter recently sent to me.  I have receive a few like this but this is amazing.  I would like to point out how easy it was for these children to get the help the need.  All it took was someone to yes.  That is it!  No magic, just a yes.

Here is a long winded reply to a letter about this question.  There are allot of views about this topic and here is my view:

...Self advocation is very difficult.  Its easy to say pride gets in the way (it does but not like people think) but that is not entirely correct and it is extremely unfruitful accusation to place on a child (or an adult) [I’m not accusing you at all, I just want to point out that pride is a very touchy topic with anyone, let alone a teenager].  I was unable to ask for help on my own until I was halfway through college.  On my third time through college algebra I finally realized that I was only going to make it if I asked for help.  There are many reasons for not wanting to ask for help.  There is a belief that schools should be about personal achievement and not group efforts.  And this is true.  When I give my students an exam I want them to take it individually and not cheat off each other or find some other way to get an edge on an exam.  We, as a nation, thought that it was cheating to make our universities handicap accessible.  The idea that we should make accommodations that allow physically impaired students to actually be able to enter the class room was very foreign.  Many still think that even this type of accommodation is cheating (even more so when it comes to Walmart parking lots).  When I take a test that is untimed I still think it's a form of cheating.  I know that I will do very poorly if I do not take it untimed but I also know that the other students would also do better if they too could take the test untimed.  So I had to realize that the real problem was with the manner in which exams are given and not with me.  I now can ask for an untimed exam and know that if the professor has a problem with it, that the problem is really with how he/she is actually giving the exam.  But all I have ever wanted is to be able to compare my self with others.  I want to be able to ask myself “Can I make the grade?  Do I have what it takes to be here?  Is this MY own success?”  Do not underestimate the need for people to confirm there own worth (note that this is not pride).  I have been told (directly and indirectly) my whole life that I could not be here, that I should not be here, and now that I’m here, that I got here by cheating.  I have very little ammunition to refute them.  I know I would not be here if it wasn't for the accommodations but its hard to prove (even to me) that the accommodations did not give me an edge above my peers (an untimed exam in a stress free environment would help everyone).  For my self worth I have to look else where.  I look at my achievements at every step of my life. And then look at others and see where I have done better than (or as good as) them.  After all I am dyslexic and can still out shine many of my peers.  Also I have looked to many other dyslexics and tell my self “if they can get there, just think where I can go!!.”

So I think (for me anyway) two things should be addressed one's Pride and one's Worth.

Pride is being embarrassed to ask for help.
Proof of self worth is the reason for not wanting help.

Pride will have to be swallowed but it can be made easier to take.  Help your son find more comfortable ways to ask for help.  Point out that he does not have to ask in front of the class.  You might set up a situation with one of his favorite teachers first (or a couple of times) to help get his feet wet.  If oral exams are to be given (or any accommodations for that matter) then ask him “If you could have it any way you want where and how would you take your exam?”  There may be something very simple that would help him feel more comfortable taking the exam.  Maybe a different room or time.  For me, I had to take my exams in a room that had a window that looked out into the halls.  So in my mind ‘every one knew that was that dumb kid in there and the only way he is going to pass is if he cheats by taking an untimed exam.’  While that was my own mind putting words in other students mouths, it was really really hard to concentrate on the exam and I often opted for a bad grade then to be put on the spot like that.  So there may be something simple that will really make his life easier.

On self worth.  It will be one of the harder things to over come.  I don't think its really much different for the rest of the world, but even to day I question whether or not I should be here.  It actually takes practice to keep reminding my self that many “normal” students couldn't make it here.  You can help here a lot by pointing out to him why he is special.  And you will have to remind him lot if he is like most of us.

Well I hope this helped.  It was a little long winded, sorry about that. :O)

---

6.  What can I do to help with my son with his low self-esteem? (an excerpt from a letter I sent out)

Self esteem is the key to happiness.  I agree with you, 'that it must come from within,' but it,
like some much in our life, can be taught.  We tend to only hear the bad things about us.
Few people tell us anything good and even then we don't listen to them.  Part of building
a strong self esteem is learning how to complement your self.  No body has a good self
esteem unless they do two things, actually choose to have a good self esteem and do
what it takes to get one.  I for instance choose to be at a healthy weight but I rarely take
the steps to reach my goal.  On the other hand I choose to be a good speaker and I am
always taking steps to improve my speaking.  Self esteem is exactly the same.  We think
we are taking what we get when it comes to self esteem.  Actually we are taking the path
of least resistance.  (That is how I diet.  If I feel like I have the energy to diet today I will,
if not, then I will not.)  If some one tells you a negative, only you can deiced if its going to
have a positive or negative effect on you.  You can 'hear' what they have said, evaluate it,
and then deiced if its worth acting on, or just discard it.  In fact, acting on what other
people have said is really easy.  The really hard part is acting on what you tell your self
every day.  If you look at your letter, You stated that "Sadly I don't have the confidence
to teach, as I go to pieces when I stand up at the top of a class".  How often have you
taught any class?  It sounds like you have not taught very many.

Ya know what?  No one is good at teaching when they start.  Everyone fails at it.

I am terrible at tennis.  I'm really really bad.  There is no way I could beat anyone at the
game.  Of course I have only played it twice.  But I have seen it played several times and
it looks easy.  I guess I'm just no good at it.

The above statement is true, I am bad at tennis.  But should it affect my self esteem?
Should anyone be good at tennis the first time?  Even the ones we called 'gifted' are bad
to start with.

So if you want to be good at tennis you must practice.  And it will take time.
If you want to love life, and more importantly love your self, then you must learn to build
your self esteem.  It will take practice and it will take time.  The best part of building a
strong self esteem is that you can always quit for a while and come back to it later.  You
won't forget any of it!!

So how do you do it?  I have gone from a kid who wanted to die just because I thought I
was a waste of my parents time and energy, to a person who loves him self, where he is,
and where he is going.  (Yes, I get depressed all the time and set backs are part of any
game, but I bounce back.)  I have used allot of different Ideas that I have picked up
along the way.  I have read many books and have talked to a counselor or two along the
way.  I would suggest that you start with Oprah's web page.  She has really helped allot
of people and I think the advice about what books are out there is superb.

I will never learn how to play tennis by my self.  I might stumble around in the dark and
ultimately get better, but I will never be great on my own.  The same is true for self
esteem.  Nothing you do in your life will make you happier and better at all your
endeavors then building your self esteem.  To learn how to do it, I would suggest you get
help.  Ask the experts, Read what they have to say.  I hear my "self" every day saying
bad things about me,  "you can't do that",  "your not smart enough",  But I have learned
how to deal with the negatives and how to remind my self of the positives.

You can teach your self and your child to love him/her self.  It is easy, but it takes practice.  :O)

---

7.  So what else is there in school besides Math and Spelling?

I was terrible at math and spelling (and still am).  But there are other classes in school besides math and spelling.  With today's spell checkers and word processors even composition is open to students with dyslexia.  Often people comment that 'dyslexics are much more creative than average students.'  While I think that this is defiantly true, I do not think its due to the dyslexia directly.  The blind develop an acute since of hearing, smell, and touch because they can no longer rely on their eyes.  To those of us who can see, this heighten since of awareness seems amazing, but in reality its just practice.  The same is true with our minds.  If I can not succeed in math and spelling, don't be surprised if I shine in another field (like biology, art, music, etc.).  I do think dyslexics generally see the world a bit askew so we do tend to have off the wall ideas that often are very creative.  So what else is there in school besides math and spelling?

Computers.  Yes, computer need to have their programming done correctly, and yes, typing backwards will screw up a program, but the great programmers and their great programs are ideas and concepts NOT TYPING!!!  When Beethoven composed the 5th symphony, he could have done it with out hands (he did it with out ears!!).  What makes the music great is its composition, it is the ideas behind how the music moves.  It is not, and never will be 'how the letters get written down'.  If Beethoven wrote it or if he had his assistant write for him the music is just as great!  I predict the leading people in artificial intelligence technology will be dyslexic because we are great idea people.  There will be no better future for your child than in computers.  Of course if she/he doesn't like computers then you will have help them follow another dream.

The Sciences.  Science can be hard.  After all, math, physics, chemistry, and biology are all called the hard sciences for a reason.  But again these are Idea / Concept driven fields.  This is where dyslexics can shine.  Albert Einstein is reported to have been dyslexic.  Talk about an abstract thinker!  He struggled with college and math his whole life, but still he is one of the great thinkers of our planet.  So don't rule out science.  Science is hard, but it will not be hard because of dyslexia.

Art, Shop, Music.  You might object that I lumped these three together, but they are extremely similar.  Because dyslexics are not good at spelling or math, they are often dumped into shop classes.  Many escape into art and music classes.  There is really little difference between  art, music, and shop classes except that shop classes are teaching in a goal oriented style and shop classes often a little more thinking regarding numbers (but not much).  All three of these are basically expressions of one's self.  They are all hands on activities which dyslexics seem to excel at.

Debate and Drama.   Again, little math and spelling.  Drama always terrified me to no end because you would have remember your lines precisely.  I can't remember my phone number in the right order, let alone 'to be or not to be.'  But Tom Cruse and Robin Williams I here are both dyslexics and I kick butt in debate so I think this could be a really fun direction to go.

Do you have a idea to add to this section?  Drop me a line and tell me about it.

---

8.  What else (out side of school) will help my son or daughter succeed in life?

Think about what would help your son or daughter land a job.  If you had two candidates to chose from , one person with strait "A's",  fast food job experience and  no interesting life experiences (hobbies, sports, etc..) and another student with a "C-B" average but worked some cool jobs and had some interesting hobbies, which would you choose.  I know some people out there would say, as a pat response, the 'A' student.  These would be people who do not have hiring experience and/or are not working with the person being hired.  I have never, in my entire academic life (Basically my whole 32 years) met a strait 'A' student that I wanted to spend time with.  I have found that strait 'A' students have never dealt with adversity and often cannot deal with losses and set backs.  I have found them to be boring intellectually and pretentious personally.  I have never hired anyone based at all on there grades.  Having 'Book smarts' is only helpful in a library.  Think about it.  How much of your education actually DIRECTLY applies to your work?  If you are like most people, then you learned on the job.  Very little of what you learned in school would have helped you succeed in your job.  What will define you as a person are you collective experiences.  Where did you work?  What do you do in your free time?  When I hire someone, I want someone that can work independently, someone who can foresee problems, and someone who has the grit to tackle problems.  In short, its that person's character that will make them an out standing employee not an 'A' on a report card.
So the real trick to future jobs is building a resume that stands out.  I look for students with leadership skills.  That is, have they ever managed their shift at work, the whole store, a group of their peers.  Have they held other jobs, particularly when they could have still been mooching of mom and dad.  There are usually a ton of after school events that kids can get involved in.  Any one can skate board all after noon but it won't impress your employer.  If this is what your child is  good at then think about helping them to compete in some skate boarding events.  Remember your son or daughter may or may not grow out of a particular phase but I would be much more impressed if a skate boarder showed up with a trophy or two under their belt then nothing at all.  Success and confidence can be found in many places and it is that confidence which will carry them through the tuff times.  If a kid can practice enough to land a couple of trophies, who knows where they will stop.
 
 
 

 

---

Take care of you,
Brad Elder

PO Box 452 Noble, OK 73068
H:(405) 872-3608 (8:00am to 10:00pm)
O:(405) 325-1653 (anytime)
email me at belder@ou.edu

Darb's Dyslexic page
Darb's Homepage